Can’t have it all but anything is better than nothing right?
Will it ever turn into more than this?
Am I really OK with keeping it casual?
Are we just using each other? or Is there any point to this?
These are all questions that I have been asking myself on and off for the last 9 months or so. As you have probably guessed, this post is about casual relationships, no strings attached sex or just a bit of fun. Or is it?
It was late November, and I had known this guy for a few months, but had only really just started talking to him, we had been out with some other people and there was a bit of flirting going on. A few days later he called me and asked me if I would like to go out with him and get something to eat. I agreed, we arranged a date, He drove the 25+ miles to where I lived at the time to pick me up, and then took me another 20+ miles to the restaurant, we had a nice evening and at the end of the night we had a kiss in his car. Kinda felt a bit teenager-ish at the time as it was the first date I had been on in a while and at the time I was staying with my parents. So over the next few weeks we saw each other more, and things moved on as they tend to do. He would come over and we would spend the evening together just hanging out watching DVD’s in my room.
We had never discussed what was going on, I felt quite happy with how it was going at the time and this went on for a few weeks. Over time, I must admit I had started to rather like him, at the same time though, It was only a few months since I finally called things off with my ex properly, so I have always wondered if it was transference, or just a rebound, either way I was enjoying it. Anyway, over the weeks we got to know each other, he told me of his plans for the future, He was going to join the army, I was OK with that, we could just have a good time until he went in. We discussed this quite a few times as he wanted to be sure that I was truly OK with it, he has always been concerned with how I have been feeling as he has always said I’m a “NICE GIRL” and he would never want to hurt me.. So our conversations went something like this…
KIC “It goes back to prehistoric times, Cavemen used to spread their seed between lots of women so they had a better chance of producing a child, Women on the other hand are made to form attachments so they can look after children and the like, therefore they find it harder to keep their emotions in check when sleeping with someone because it is in their genes to form bonds”
Me “Yeah sure, I’m fine with it! Stop asking”
He has a peculiar way of thinking, he’s a bit of a geek, and I was sure that he is somewhere on the autistic spectrum (I have since convinced him that he is, so he bought a book on Autism and Asperger’s)
For a while we cooled down I moved towns, and had more time to myself and I was now closer to KIC so things started to pick back up. Before I knew it we were seeing each other 2-3 a week and I thought at the time I was really starting to like him. So I questioned him about it.. Why wouldn’t it work? My ex was in the RAF so I know what to expect.. I wasn’t expecting his reaction at all. It was quite sweet really, and had nothing to do with the fact that I wanted more he simply said… “I turned my feelings off a long time ago, I was a prick to my ex and I don’t want to do the same to you, I’m happy in myself and it took me a long time to get like this” Now here is the good part “Plus if I let myself have feelings for you then I know I won’t go, and I have wanted to join the army for a really long time, I’m just keeping myself focused on getting in first, then who know’s”
I didn’t know what to say as I was starting to like him, or at least I thought I was, and I wanted more than what he could give me. I felt annoyed because he was so closed off to anything, and that he felt like I would hold him back form living his dream instead of supporting him. Things where a bit different after that conversation. Then one day I get a text calling it off. I was so annoyed, after months of seeing each other we had built up a good friendship with benefits, and then to text!! Did he really have that little respect for me that he couldn’t say it to my face. I was fuming, so I did what all girls do and I poured everything out to one of my closest new friends, who also knows him, It was the first she knew of the whole thing but after I told her everything, So she messaged him on facebook, I couldn’t believe it! I cant exactly remember what she said to him, but I did get a message from him apologising, and also he asked if he could take me out again so we could talk through things. I was still annoyed, but like I said he doesn’t think normally, So we went out and talked and sorted things out as friends.
For a while, I steered clear of him, I was scared of things slipping back into whatever it was before, We started hanging out, just as friends, exactly how we used to minus the sex. It was great. So, when I met the mystery guy, I had that extra boundary in place, He would still come round, and we would hang out, only one time, we was watching a DVD and he tried it, I held my own, and after he had left he text saying “Tonight was great, we should chill out more often like that” So there you go, we have gone from keeping it casual to just friends, and its great. But wait, Mystery man vanished I got upset and angry, and updated my facebook status, KIC saw it and called me, and through all of the emotions I was feeling, I cried while on the phone to him, he was on the way to the gym but before i knew it he had turned around and he came over to keep me company. So he does care but still doesn’t get me what I want though. One thing led to another and well, I don’t think I need to say what happened. Rebounding again? I think so…
I still have so many questions about casual relationships, I don’t think I will ever answer them, KIC is right though, we all form bonds/relationships with those around us, and not just women, we all have emotions, I think women just show theirs more in certain situations and cant just flick our emotions on and off like a light switch.
Is it possible to keep it casual?
Am I better off alone?
We shall see 🙂