Monthly Archives: August 2013

Too high in the tree?

So I know I have only been on my dating site of choice for a short while, I’m talking to a few guys, with dates in planning, and 2 re-schedules, but how much activity should you be getting?

I’m not blowing my own trumpet but I’m far from ugly, I’m not the prettiest girl out there, or all fake looking, but some of the guys that I am attracting make me think, “Really?” either they are trying their luck and punching above their weight, or I am not as pretty as I thought. I am a nice girl, I have interests and hobbies, I work hard, I’m educated and I enjoy art and culture.

Here is a snippet from my profile…

“I like to travel to different places, from getting the train to London to see an exhibition or going off exploring the countryside on my bike or walking around English heritage sites. I also like the usual, going out with my friends, pubs, clubs and dining, or saying in relaxing, watching films, having marathon film days with with snacks, Going on random car journeys to the coast, exploring weird places… Lots of things really!”

I also write about the books and types of music that I like. How much is too much information? Do guys actually want to know this? Am I putting them off with an overload of information? Is it intimidating?

I’m honest in my profile, and I say what I am looking for, but going back to my post The Online Dating Rulebook? Should I be holding back on some things that I have included? On my profile I have the following… Is it to much?

“I like to think that I’m a fun and active person, but I wont lie, I’m not perky all the time. I love my friends and family, I’m settling into a new area, and I am happy in my day to day life, I’m not looking for a relationship that will become my life, I want one that will enhance it. I’m independent and I am a friendly and caring girl. If you want to know more, and get to know me better and think you could enhance my life then message me.”

I have a variety of photos on my profile, and I have to admit, they are some good ones of me looking fabulous, but aren’t everyone’s in this situation.

I get plenty of messages from all sorts of guys, a mixture of “AVERAGE” looking guys and of what I think are your typical looking HOT guys looking at my profile,The guys I would say are “Average” message me and some of them are really great, but the HOT guys just have a look and then that’s as far as it goes. I have messaged a few of the hot guys and had no reply, so they liked what they saw, but  then something I said has put them off?

Or is it like this? I read something on one guys profile, he said that girls are like apples… I cant remember the exact words but it was something like this..

“Girls are like apples, The best ones are at the top of the tree and hard to reach, so the guys who pick them are scared to climb too high to get them in case they fall and end up getting hurt, so they go for the apples lower down, the rotten apples.” Is this the case do you think? I quite often see a great guy with a girl that I wouldn’t naturally put them with, and yeah I get a bit bitchy or the other way around, and I’m like Seriously, I’m nicer than her right?

Where am I going wrong? Its not all about looks, I know that, I’ve had a few experiences with guys that at the time I considered them to be, handsome, beautiful or amazing, but they have turned into frogs quite quickly killing my confidence. But seriously, I have a nice body, a nice face, and a great personality, I don’t want some over weight, middle aged, balding man messaging me, expecting me to take him seriously.

I don’t have a type and I wouldn’t rule anything out but obviously there are people that I find more attractive than others, and as I am looking for a lasting relationship, possibly the future father of my beautiful children and husband, there has to be some attraction there, (how else would we make babies), and good genes of course. I need a spark, something physical, we are all judging each other on face value, I’m getting the link from face to my profile and then loosing them!

Am I too high in the tree? Seriously though, what is it that’s putting them off? Or are they just looking for a quick hook up, a Miss Plastic Fantastic with a fake tan, fake hair, and fake nails?

I dont know! What I do know is, I’m talking to a really nice guy, who lives in a town near me and we are getting on great, I think he’s rather good looking, and he seems to have a good personality so I’m looking forward to seeing where this one goes as well!

Watch this space…


Music & Relationships

Don’t you think how easily we connect music with our emotions? The following song still puts tears in my eyes when I hear it. My ex used to put this song on and sing it to me, at the time, I was so in love, I got tears in my eyes due to being happy, then he made me sad, so I flipped the emotional response, and it made me cry for all the wrong reasons!

There are many songs that have similar effects on me. Take the Mystery Man for example, we listened to The Doors a lot, we are both big fans, so whenever we were in my car, we would have a good old sing along with Jim Morrison. Then he learnt how to play People are Strange on his guitar, and we would sing it together having a little smoke. It was very 60’s I will tell you that much, I turned into a hippy for 2 months and loved every minute of it. Now when I hear it, I just think to myself, ha yeah, too right, “when you’re strange no one remembers your name”.  He will be forgotten soon enough, but I hope I don’t ever lose the feeling that I got when I was a hippy, feeling happy and free, dancing and singing like no one was watching.

Listening to music when you are happy in a relationship, you always tend to like the songs that reflect how you are feeling, then when things change, as they quite often do, you can’t stand listening to that song because it’s all gone wrong. At the moment in my car, I have ditched The Doors Greatest Hits and have turned to good old Skunk Anansie, and I must say, the angry rock guitar solos and Skin’s powerful voice is really hitting the spot! She must have had some really crap relationships to write their amazingly emotionally enriched songs that hit my nail right on the head at the moment.

Happy life = Happy Music

Sad life = Sad Music

Fed up of getting screwed over = Angry Music

 

Skin is amazing, Even though there are many songs that I can listen to, that give me a little feeling of sadness, or joy, I wouldn’t change it for a thing!

There’s a psychology to it, linking emotions to music, and literature and art but I’m not a psychologist, and there is lots of research on the net, so I won’t bore you with it. But really I just wanted to say that i love the fact I can flick on a CD, listen to the words in the song, and then get a kind of reassurance that I’m not the only one to have felt like this, Or to hear a song after years and have it take me back in time to a moment that was amazing.

I don’t think I will be listening to so much of The Doors but I’m ok with that, I am pretty sure I will have another amazing connection with another artist/band soon. If not, then there is always Lana. Enjoy 🙂

 


The Online Dating Rulebook?

What are the rules for online dating? If you have read any of my other posts then you will know that a few of my friends are also on the same site. As I have said, I have only been on there since last Monday, and cancelled one date due to a hurt ankle, we are yet to reschedule but, I wasn’t sure about him anyway. Anyway, I have a date lined up for tomorrow, which again I think I may have to rearrange due to lack of funds! I think I’m already making mistakes, before I have even started! Not even met them yet and already rescheduling!

I wouldn’t say I’m nervous, but at the same time I’m thinking, should I have spoken with him online for longer first or is it best to just jump straight in? Every situation is different and I have kind of proved that for myself. The guy that I was supposed to go on a date with last week, well I didn’t even give him my number, yet we had arranged to meet. Is this a mistake? The guy that I am meeting tomorrow, Well we changed numbers quite quickly. What was it that made me give one my number but not the other?

How long should you talk for online before meeting someone? How soon is too soon to give out your number? Is there some sort of timeline that I should be sticking too? So I have been asking myself these questions and decided to turn to the internet.

So far I have found a list of “dont’s” Reading through it, it seems I have started out wrong! Everything I know about conversation starters, like “what do you do?” or “Yeah, I read your profile, I like blah blah too” well it turns out I should not say these things. It also says “For the first three months, do not initiate e-mails; only respond to e-mails he sends you — and only if his e-mail merits a response to a question.”

How is this online dating, letting people know me, for who I am, and then seeing if they like me for me, if I cant even talk the way I would, or be honest about having things in common. To me it seems that, to be successful in dating on line, you have to start everything, being someone else. To me this just seems like game playing. In Two Guys and a Girl I asked, Why do we make things harder for ourselves? This to me seems like I’d be making it very difficult.

I am like an open book, I will say what I think and ask what I want, I need to ask these things in order to find out whether this person is for me or not. I don’t want to spend 3 months playing cat and mouse via email, playing games, not being myself, only to find out that this guy is not the one for me! I’d be especially pee’d if I had spent the last 3 months, not being me, and deciding that I don’t like this guy, and then wonder, “If I had been myself, would this have turned out differently?”

So what are my rules of online dating? Here are a few I have thought up so far…

– Be yourself, If things work out well, You want them to see that what they see is what they are getting. No hiding behind vague emails. Let your personality shine. Then if they dont like you, that is there loss.

– Dont play games. Unless its chess!

– Be honest. Tell them your honest intentions. Dont lie about what you are looking for. If you are looking for a husband or wife, make that clear, you don’t want to end up wasting your time.

– If all they are asking for is more photos, its probably best to leave it there. (I’ve had one guy ask me for more photos, and when I declined he replied “Your already making me hard”) EW! Good to know, but no thanks! He/she is clearly only after one thing!

– Go with your gut. If you feel like you want to meet them go for it. Stay safe though. Public places, let someone know where you are going and what time you expect to be finished, or if you can, update them while using the toilet.

I don’t believe in game playing in relationships so why would you do it when getting to know someone. Do you want them thinking of a you as a game player, being hard work, or even worse.,You really like them, but are playing hard to get, they don’t have the greatest confidence, and they think you aren’t interested and you loose out on them to someone who didn’t play games, and who replied once they had read the email, instead of waiting for 24 hours. That would suck.

Everyone is on a dating website, for one reason or another, its just working out what that reason is! Sex, Hook Ups, or actually looking for what they say they are, A RELATIONSHIP. We all have baggage and bad times, but its best not to focus on those, If you met someone face to face you wouldn’t start talking about your ex, so why do it online to a new potential. Save it for you blog!


Keeping it Casual

Can’t have it all but anything is better than nothing right?

Will it ever turn into more than this?

Am I really OK with keeping it casual?

Are we just using each other? or Is there any point to this?

These are all questions that I have been asking myself on and off for the last 9 months or so. As you have probably guessed, this post is about casual relationships, no strings attached sex or just a bit of fun. Or is it?

It was late November, and I had known this guy for a few months, but had only really just started talking to him, we had been out with some other people and there was a bit of flirting going on. A few days later he called me and asked me if I would like to go out with him and get something to eat. I agreed, we arranged a date, He drove the 25+ miles to where I lived at the time to pick me up, and then took me another 20+ miles to the restaurant, we had a nice evening and at the end of the night we had a kiss in his car. Kinda felt a bit teenager-ish at the time as it was the first date I had been on in a while and at the time I was staying with my parents. So over the next few weeks we saw each other more, and things moved on as they tend to do. He would come over and we would spend the evening together just hanging out watching DVD’s in my room.
We had never discussed what was going on, I felt quite happy with how it was going at the time and this went on for a few weeks. Over time, I must admit I had started to rather like him, at the same time though, It was only a few months since I finally called things off with my ex properly, so I have always wondered if it was transference, or just a rebound, either way I was enjoying it. Anyway, over the weeks we got to know each other, he told me of his plans for the future, He was going to join the army, I was OK with that, we could just have a good time until he went in. We discussed this quite a few times as he wanted to be sure that I was truly OK with it, he has always been concerned with how I have been feeling as he has always said I’m a “NICE GIRL” and he would never want to hurt me.. So our conversations went something like this…
KIC “It goes back to prehistoric times, Cavemen used to spread their seed between lots of women so they had a better chance of producing a child, Women on the other hand are made to form attachments so they can look after children and the like, therefore they find it harder to keep their emotions in check when sleeping with someone because it is in their genes to form bonds”

Me “Yeah sure, I’m fine with it! Stop asking”
He has a peculiar way of thinking, he’s a bit of a geek, and I was sure that he is somewhere on the autistic spectrum (I have since convinced him that he is, so he bought a book on Autism and Asperger’s)

For a while we cooled down I moved towns, and had more time to myself and I was now closer to KIC so things started to pick back up. Before I knew it we were seeing each other 2-3 a week and I thought at the time I was really starting to like him. So I questioned him about it.. Why wouldn’t it work? My ex was in the RAF so I know what to expect.. I wasn’t expecting his reaction at all. It was quite sweet really, and had nothing to do with the fact that I wanted more he simply said… “I turned my feelings off a long time ago, I was a prick to my ex and I don’t want to do the same to you, I’m happy in myself and it took me a long time to get like this” Now here is the good part “Plus if I let myself have feelings for you then I know I won’t go, and I have wanted to join the army for a really long time, I’m just keeping myself focused on getting in first, then who know’s”

I didn’t know what to say as I was starting to like him, or at least I thought I was, and I wanted more than what he could give me. I felt annoyed because he was so closed off to anything, and that he felt like I would hold him back form living his dream instead of supporting him. Things where a bit different after that conversation. Then one day I get a text calling it off. I was so annoyed, after months of seeing each other we had built up a good friendship with benefits, and then to text!! Did he really have that little respect for me that he couldn’t say it to my face. I was fuming, so I did what all girls do and I poured everything out to one of my closest new friends, who also knows him, It was the first she knew of the whole thing but after I told her everything, So she messaged him on facebook, I couldn’t believe it! I cant exactly remember what she said to him, but I did get a message from him apologising, and also he asked if he could take me out again so we could talk through things. I was still annoyed, but like I said he doesn’t think normally, So we went out and talked and sorted things out as friends.

For a while, I steered clear of him, I was scared of things slipping back into whatever it was before, We started hanging out, just as friends, exactly how we used to minus the sex. It was great. So, when I met the mystery guy, I had that extra boundary in place, He would still come round, and we would hang out, only one time, we was watching a DVD and he tried it, I held my own, and after he had left he text saying “Tonight was great, we should chill out more often like that” So there you go, we have gone from keeping it casual to just friends, and its great. But wait, Mystery man vanished I got upset and angry, and updated my facebook status, KIC saw it and called me, and through all of the emotions I was feeling, I cried while on the phone to him, he was on the way to the gym but before i knew it he had turned around and he came over to keep me company. So he does care but still doesn’t get me what I want though. One thing led to another and well, I don’t think I need to say what happened. Rebounding again? I think so…

I still have so many questions about casual relationships, I don’t think I will ever answer them, KIC is right though, we all form bonds/relationships with those around us, and not just women, we all have emotions, I think women just show theirs more in certain situations and cant just flick our emotions on and off like a light switch.

Is it possible to keep it casual?

Am I better off alone?

We shall see 🙂


Your a Nice Girl but…

Nice

Adjective

1. Pleasant; Agreeable; Satisfactory

2. Of a person; Pleasant in manor; Good Natured;  “He was nice.

Synonyms
Fine – Pretty –  Pleasant – Good – Lovely – Kind – Dainty

I hate the word nice. I use it all the time when I cant think of anything better to say.

“Oh that’s Nice” (Not really)

“You look nice” (Again, Nah, Not really) But you just don’t want to say.

Its such a safe word… For me, its one of the most boring words in the English language.

The worst thing to hear, as you may have guessed.. Your a nice girl but….

Your a nice girl but….I’m not looking for a girlfriend right now, if I was, I would snap you up.

Your a nice girl but…. I’m seeing someone

Your a nice girl but…. I just want someone to have fun with

Your a nice girl but….

Your a nice girl but….

I’m tired of hearing this. I recently moved and knew very few people. My housemate threw a house party, so I met a few of her friends, and got talking to a Friend of a Friend. We got on, had a good laugh, and we spent a fair few hours talking, I hardly even noticed when this guy from work that I had a bit of a thing for turned up, I had invited him but didn’t actually think he would come as he had let me down lots before when we planned on doing something. Anyway as the night went on the friend that he came with clearly got bored and just left him. I wasn’t even thinking on a romantic level, so when he asked if he could stay, I said yes, I didn’t mind and he seemed like a pretty cool guy. So he stayed round, nothing romantic went on at all we just carried on talking for a bit and then went to bed. So in the morning, I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime. For me, It was going to be a way of seeing my new area, having someone who knew their way around showing me the sights, and what do I get as a reply…. You guessed it. Your a nice girl but…. I was so shocked I didn’t even know what to say, so I just mumbled embarrassed, Oh, don’t worry about it.  I didn’t even mean it romantically! What was wrong with me?!

It did make me wonder why just by hearing those words, I completely lost myself, I wasn’t even asking him on a date, but I still felt the rejection as if I had been. I think to myself now, Why didn’t I just explain right then? What made me choke? What is it about hearing, Your a nice girl but…. that’s turns me into a pathetic mess? I still don’t know!

Anyway, we added each other on facebook and carried on talking and stuff. One night, it was a bit late, He text me, and he came over, So I got the opportunity to explain face to face that when I asked him to go for a drink with me it was as friends, although this was after he tried kissing me… Go figure. Ha ha! TAKE THAT Your a nice girl but…. what had turned me into a mess a few weeks prior, lost all of its strength,  it went flying out of the window when he tried kissing me. I have often considered asking him why he said what he said, and then the next time tried kissing me… But I thought it best to leave it for now.

I have since saved him many times, from getting locked out and being stranded, to being not be able to go home for various reasons, He’s a great guy and whenever I go to the rescue, he always reinforces what he said on that first night. “Why are you so nice to me? You always help me out” so I have found myself using the term I hate so much, slightly as a little dig but it goes over his head…

Because I’m a NICE GIRL

Yes, I am a nice girl, but id make an even nicer girlfriend. I’m just waiting for the right guy to realise it ha ha!


The Mystery Man

I was on a random night out with a friend, we had an amazing time just us girls, we spoke to a few guys, had a few drinks and then before I knew it, It was the end of the night. 3am, a bit tipsy, and walking to get our lift home, my friend gracefully removed her shoes as we where walking over the cobble stones. I being in my own world, carried on walking and turned to my right to talk to her, She wasn’t there, But, a lovely strangers face was, He didn’t look happy, and me being me, when we made eye contact, I smiled at him. His face completely changed, his smile lit up his whole face, I immediately thought to myself “Wow, he is beautiful” I can honestly say I have never thought that about a real man, there in front of me. Needless to say we started talking and walking. My friend that I was with, then started talking to his 2 companions and then when we got to our lift, I found it difficult to leave him. We exchanged numbers and had already planned a coffee date for the next day.

I couldn’t believe my luck, we had just been walking contently to our lift home and then this mysterious man popped up from nowhere and took my breath away. My friend was not so convinced, calling him a creep and sleazy. I couldn’t have disagreed with her more! By the time I got home, 40 minutes later, he had already text me to confirm our coffee date. Needless to say I went to sleep with a big smile on my face.

So we met the next afternoon and went for coffee. I was thinking, yeah maybe a few hours, it was an afternoon first date, I was not expecting to spend the entire afternoon and evening with him. we had a great time, we went for coffee, walked around a lovely cultural city, went for something to eat and it was as if we had known each other for years, rather than less than 12 hours. He’s Italian and his English is far from perfect, but we had no problem communicating with each other and there was not one uncomfortable moment between us. As time was getting on, the last nights antics and jagerbombs where taking their toll and I still needed to do the 40 minute drive home. When I said that I needed to start thinking about getting home (at 10.30) his face became the sad, unhappy face that made me smile at him the night before, He went quiet as I drove him back to his and the mood was completely different to the day. Before he got out of my car, he looked at me, with his sad hazel &green eyes, looking through his delicate brown curls that he had allowed to fall over his face and he turned to me and just asked “when will i see you again?” My heart melted in that moment. I was frozen. I was so astounded that his mood had changed so rapidly because he was worried about when he would see me again, I was thinking, “Are you serious? Hows tomorrow for you?!” I of course didn’t say that to him. So then we arranged another date, sat in my car and again, his face lit up with his beaming smile. Driving home I was buzzing, smiling all the way home to myself. I kept on seeing the sad look in his eyes, and then his beautiful happy smile. I was hooked on him already! At the same time I was thinking, Don’t do it, go slow, don’t give him everything! So until our next date, only 4 days later, we communicated through text occasionally.

The day of the date, I was supposed to meet him at 10.30 at his for breakfast, He was making chocolate soufflé, No man has ever gone to that much trouble for me, anyway, I woke up late and didn’t end up getting to his until 12ish. We still had soufflé, and it was delicious. On our third date, he came to my town and we spent the whole time talking, in the evening, I took him home, but we decided to go out for a few drinks before I headed back, I couldn’t spend enough time with this man, I wasn’t even thinking “No, don’t do it” any more. I was too happy!

So there where more dates, we where just people having a great time together, no awkward silences, lots of laughs, kisses, and what I thought was a great connection, mentally and physically. He introduced me to a few of his friends, I had introduced him to my house mate. It was a great 2 months. He went home to Italy for 2 weeks and I felt lost! I was checking my facebook every chance I could get, We had arranged that I would collect him from the airport, I was counting the days until he came home, I was so desperate to see him by the time he got back I’m sure my friends and house mate where just as desperate for him to be back as I was just so I would stop talking about him! Luckily, the night he came back, the weather had been hot, so I was able to wear a cute burnt orange skirt and a new blouse that I had bought, I was so nervous waiting for him at the arrivals gate I was texting everyone frantically, I was so busy texting that I didn’t even notice that he was standing in front of me until I looked up and saw his cocked head smiling at me with his beautiful eyes gazing at me intently through his trimmed curls with a look of intrigue on his face, I have never had a man look at me the way he did, He never noticed the prettier girls when we where out, he really made me feel like I was the only one he even saw. Anyway he gave me the greatest hug and kiss and we made our way out of the airport. The first thing he did (after lighting a cigarette) was rummage around in his suitcase and pull out a little bag. He looked at me, smiled then looked me up and down and then gave me the bag. He had brought me a watch while in Italy. I was gob smacked, I needed a watch as mine had broken months before we had even met, when I said this he just simply said “Yes I know baby, You told me” I had completely forgotten that before he went to Italy, we had gone shopping for some bits for him and I had said in passing, “Oh I need a new watch” At this point in time, I thought WOW, a man who listens, is attentive, who cares. FINALLY!

Well no, it doesn’t work like that in my life!

So, he came back from Italy, all seemed good, back to usual I thought. He was straight back to work the next day, so I took him home and went to work myself. I had planned to go that out in his town that weekend with my friends while he was away, so I asked if he would like to join us when he had finished work for a drink. He met us out, spoke with my friends, and even told one, that he was planning on making things official. Needless to say when she told me this, I got very excited. Anyway, that night, his house mate was also out, and he was moving back to Italy, we spoke together and before he left (the house mate) he invited me to his leaving drinks. So that day, I finished work, went to the leaving drinks, had a wonderful time, He came back to mine and using his exact words… “WOW” I know I have said already that I thought we had a connection, Well this time I felt it, I was sure of it. It was not the first time he “stayed over” in the 2 months of seeing him, he stayed over a lot. The next morning, we made arrangements for a few days later and off I went to work. So 2 days pass and I barely hear from him until the morning that we had made plans for, I got a text…

“Hey baby, yes we will still do something when I finish work, I’m not sure what time when though xxxxx”

So I replied, “OK just text me when you have finished xxxx”

As far as I am aware, He is still at work! Haha! Needless to say I’m not chasing this one. Thanks to the brilliant technology we all have access to, I can see that he has seen my messages, yet not replied. So instead of making a fool out of myself, I asked on the night we was supposed to meet up what was happening, got no reply, And then I gave him 4 days, he came on line, so I asked him again, “Got anything to say to me yet?” he still didn’t reply so… I deleted him.

Worse thing is, A few days later, His old house mate emailed me from Italy, Wishing me and my Italian the “best of luck in our relationship” and topped it off with “I know he likes you” How things can change that drastically in 48 hours is beyond me, and his best friend of two years knowing nothing about it a week later baffles me even more.

Realisation: I am better than that, I am better than him and I deserve better than what he can give me.

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